I talk this week about the scares of being a parent--how seeing your child hurt kills you. I also talk this week about sending thank you notes to your IF care providers and visits from the moms (my mom and MIL). And here's a pic for you to enjoy: Sabine giving her best WTF look to her brother.

Feeling better this week. Got some sleep and have a little light at the end of the tunnel: my mom comes in 1.5 weeks! Yay! I talk this week about hoping for longer sleep stretches and still not feeling like a mother. Still on smile watch. Think it'll be any day now that we start getting some real smiles and giggles!

I can't believe it. Both babies are asleep. So I have a quick second to upload this podcast. I get a little weepy in this one so I apologize in advance. I am mentally and physically drained and it's hard to believe I have months and months of this draining work ahead of me. But I know it gets easier and more rewarding. And a sleepless night with twins is still tons better than a sleepless night crying over a failed cycle. It's been hard to podcast because every free moment (and there are very few of them) have to be spent doing dishes, laundry, and getting work done on my dissertation.
This week I talk about how hard it was to have a babysitter look after my kids (even though I was still in the house) and how I really miss my husband--even though he's still in the house too. :)

Welcome to my 100th episode! Who knew I'd be at this for 100 episodes? When I started, I was just beginning doing injectables and figured I'd be pregnant in no time! This week I talk about still feeling broken--breastfeeding is not going well at all. I also talk about how motherhood (and getting your PhD at the same time) leads you to feel like you have a case of the should be's (as in I should be...holding the babies, working on my dissertation, doing laundry, etc.). But I am blessed with 2 good babies who are the light of my life. Look at how snuggly they are!

How did those 2 babies fit in my belly? Here's a pic of how they were positioned in the womb. So long time no podcast, huh? It's been a crazy few weeks. This week I give you the audio version of the birth story and talk about the trauma with feeding issues. If I sound a bit incoherent, it's because I'm on no sleep right now. It gets better right? :)
No matter how little sleep I'm getting though, I still love these 2 sweet babies we've brought home. It's the first mother's day where I can avoid spending the day feeling so sad.

So sorry for the delay in posting. Thanks to everyone for the well wishes. It may take me a little while to post a podcast but I hope to do it soon. But I'll give the summary here. Because I was strapped to the bed with a zillion different wires, I wasn't able to move around and help labor along.  stayed at 6cm for awhile. Finally, things started to pick up a bit. I really wanted to get things going before 5pm so I knew m doc could be there to deliver me. Low and behold by about 4pm, I was about 10cm. We were in a regular L&D room but my doc told me to start pushing there. It was so amazing to reach that point. I was actually going to give birth! I was pushing well and making progress fast. My doc was worried because Quentin (the presenting baby) was showing some signs to distress during contractions. So they wheeled me into the OR. It was crazy in there! There were about 20 people in this small room. They got me situated on the table and I started pushing again. They used a vacuum on Q's head to make sure he was delivered fast. A few more pushes and he was out. It was an amazing moment to look down and watch this baby coming out of me. I honestly thought someone would tell me I was pregnant with monkeys or something. :) They whisked Q away to another room and then they started with the breech extraction of Sabine. That was crazy and nerve racking. It seemed to take forever for the doctor to find Sabine and pull her out. But they finally got her out with some pushing from me. Then they took her to a spot next to me and I tried to take a peek as they worked on her. As soon as I heard her cry it made me bawl like crazy. They delivered the placentas and stitched me up a bit. We were shocked when we found out that Q was 5lbs 11oz and Sabine was 5lbs 6oz. We were also amazed that they needed no NICU time and came home with me. I'll give the full details at the next podcast but just have to say how amazingly blessed we feel and totally in love.

Contrax started to get stronger so they took me up to L&D. As soon as I got up here, my water broke--huge gush! I was already 5 cm and in a lot of pain, so I got the epidural.  I haven't progressed much -- they started pitocin and at last check I was about 6 cm.  We're going to attempt a vaginal delivery, but it will be in the OR just in case.  We'll keep everyone posted!

Thanks, everyone, so much for your kind thoughts and encouraging words!  It means a lot.

So now it seems I may be contracting regularly. I'm 35w2d today. Really wanted to hold on to these babies at least until 36 weeks but they may have other plans. I'll keep you posted.

Sorry no podcast yet. It's hard to podcast from the hospital and I've been feeling pretty tired all the time. So the update thus far is that I was here until Thursday when the doc's felt it was safe to discharge me. BP was steady, labs were steady, etc. But as soon as I got home and started monitoring BP there, my BP was running around 140/90. So not good. Went in the next day for my appointment but being the realistic pessimist that I am, I brought my packed bag with me. And it was good that I did. BP was running high so doc felt it best to just admit me for the duration of the pregnancy. Good news is we did an ultrasound to check fluid levels and do a doppler on the blood flow in the umbilical cords and all looked well with the babies. So at least my stupid issues aren't hurting them.

Doc says we won't go past 37 weeks but he's skeptical I'll make it that far. I have a countdown going on my white board in my room that the RNs update for me each day. Right now, we're at 35w1d, 13 days to go until 37 weeks.

I am going to try and podcast tomorrow with more updates and info. Thanks to everyone for their kind comments. It's nice to know I have company while I'm holed up in the hospital. :)

Although BP is good and nothing has worsened, my doc is keeping me here at least until tomorrow. We'll run more labs then and we'll see. I'm not going to hold my breath. But I'm 34w5d so getting really close to 35 weeks. My husband and I took a tour of the NICU yesterday. It was comforting in that there are really very few 34 weekers in there. But we did see a few babies who were born before 34 weeks and were at 34 weeks gestational age. They all weighed about 4.5 lbs. Even though our 32 weeks u/s said our babies were 4.5 lbs already, they tend to be off. But wow, those 4.5lbs babies were so tiny. It was nice to have a visual of what's inside of me but also scary to see how small our babies are. I just hope I can grow them for a few more weeks.