Things are turning around--we hope. That doesn't mean I still don't feel like I want to do some kind of bad luck reversal spell or charm or something. But the car is being fixed and we're headed up to see our friends. And here's the gorgeous view of the mountain where we stayed last weekend. Listen in as I talk about the weird double life we lead while going through infertility. And also listen to my first attempt at being a DJ! I'm bored waiting for my next cycle to start. ;)

We all find ways to get over a failed cycle. For me, it was driving in our new car and looking forward to our trip with our friends. Well, both of those are messed up now. All is not lost. We are gearing up for a FET whenever AF arrives and I'm formulating a plan to make sure I try everything for IVF#3 (if we need it).

You guys rock. Thanks to everyone for their outpouring of support. Last week was really rough. It was one of those times where you wonder what the point is to going on. But we press forward. And as I press forward, I hope to collect more medical info on why my body is attacking its own organs and my embryos. Bad body, bad. I seem to have inherited some nasty autoimmune things from my parents. How did they manage to conceive and give birth to 2 healthy babies? Makes me wonder why I'm so gung ho on passing my genes. I got a nice surprise today too—I have four frosties waiting for me. Yes, 4 of our embryos made it to freeze. I'm in shock but feel somewhat skeptical in a way too. I explain why in this week's (very long) podcast.

A really weepy post from me today. Kept trying to make it through without crying and it just wouldn't work. So only listen to this if you want to hear someone whine and cry a lot. I tested this morning (16dpo) and it's a BFN. So IVF#2 is a bust. I feel a little lost right now but am going to enjoy the next few months off and then pick myself up and go into round 3.

A not-so-cheery post from me this week. I'm feeling down about this round and trying my best to stay sane and positive but it's been super hard. The 2ww during IVF is a really mean and hateful, hateful thing. But we had some good stuff happen--DH and I have a new car as of today. Only I wonder, when my special birthday horoscope said I'd get the one thing I'd been wanting for so long in October, I was hoping it meant a successful IVF cycle, not a new car. :)

Oh the joys of bed rest. I've been good this time too. Have lazed about on the couch for 3 days straight. Today's the last day! We had ET on Saturday and it went really well. We had the actual embryologist there (not one of his lackey's) and he was very informative. We transferred 3 again: all grade B’s (one a “B+�), 2 were 7-celled and 1 was 8-celled. Not too bad. Not as good as last time but look what last time got us? The doc who did our transfer seemed to do a great job. My cervix cooperated too. I did acupuncture before transfer and that, combined with the valium, helped keep me chill. As of Saturday, we had 11 embryos still being cultured. None look stellar but the embryologist thinks we may get 1-2 to freeze this time. Boy, that would be nice.

And so now I'm in the 2ww. I feel weird this time. Not really hopeful. Sort of like this cycle is just going on around me. It's still early though. As soon as I start getting any semblance of a pg sign, I think my involvement in the 2ww will skyrocket!

Well, I'm standing on the precipice of ET. We had 20 eggs retrieved. 6 more than last time! 18 were mature and ICSI'd. 15 fertilized and we have 14 growing on day 2. All are between 2-4 cells but here's the downer. The embryologist says "none are perfect" and we are doing a 3dt vs. 5dt. Most are grade B's. Listen in as I apologize for being a whiny butt about my ET, how I'm terrified to do another IVF 2ww, and how my elevated antithyroid antibodies give me just one more thing to worry about.

Well, this cycle is just flying by. I only stimmed for 7 days and coasted last night when my E2 came back at 3992. Lots of big follicles today so they can't hold me off any longer. I trigger tonight with ER on Wednesday. I'm nervous that I stimmed too fast and my eggs won't be mature. But who goes into ER without a bucket full of worries? All I can do is cross my fingers and toes and let the doctors do their magic!

With all the drama that preceded this cycle, you'd think there would be more ups and downs so far. Nope. Everything has been smooth sailing so far. I'm stimming much better this round. Could be the higher dose (although they've dropped my dose every day--from 350 to 225 so far), could be the no exercise, could be the weight gain (10 pounds today), could be the steroids. Whatever it is, I'm liking it! Don't know when ER will be but am thinking maybe a week from today.
Update: E2 is 1623 after 5 days of stims! G*nalF dropped to 200.

So I had an ultrasound and E2 draw on Sunday. Ultrasound showed everything chilling. Blood work showed a MUCH lower E2 of 91. My guess is the reading of 890 was a lab error--perhaps it was 89.0 and got translated wrong. Even though 91 still seems kind of high to me to start stims, I got the go-ahead anyway. I started stims on Sunday: 350 IU gonal-f, 20 units microdose ovidrel, and 5 units lupron. I go in on Wed for bloodwork. Here we go....

So the nurse calls my home phone. It's not good when the nurse calls. She tells me my E2 is 839. I about choked. 839? Surely there has been a lab mix-up? I go in tomorrow to have it rechecked but I'm just shocked. I had no cysts right before I started lupron and I get AF after BCP, while still on lupron. Where did this cyst come from? Am I trying to ovulate? I mean, I don't "do" ovulation. In fact, it took me over a week of stims to see anything above 800 on the E2. So my guess is this cycle is off. Which may not be such a bad thing. I had a bad feeling about it anyway. But man, sucks that I still have to be the designated driver tonight for the beer fest. I could use a drink...or five.

Back after a 2 week hiatus. Trip to Ohio was good. I'm in the depths of lupron despair now—you know, the headaches, the depression, the blah-ness. Hoping to start stims tonight but am awaiting that elusive voicemail message on my clinics message service. Why do I feel like a dejected loser every time I call in and it says "You have zero messages"? Anyway, this week I talk about more antibody crap, endo theories, and my annoyance with sitting in the exam room for an hour. Will post updates when I get them!

I also wanted to thank all of you who have posted comments. You don't know how much it means to me to get so much support from people I've never even met. Definitely helps when you feel you're low on hope.

After our icky appointment with the RE on Thursday, DH and I had a fitful night of sleep. We woke up and ended up having the exact same dream:

We both were in a foreign country (me in England, DH in India) and we were on a train but it wouldn't leave until we presented the correct documentation. I searched my suit case for a passport and DH searched his suitcase for a copy of his ticket.

We woke up and realized it showed that we were not ready for IVF. The IVF train was boarding and we felt totally unprepared and lost. Well, the train is taking off whether we like it or not. I had my pre-lupron baseline scan today and had a crazy finding: Last cycle I had 15 antrals (low normal) with most on the right side (and got 14 eggs). This time, I had 25 follicles! And the left was just as proficient as the right. Weird. Maybe the no exercise thing is working. Maybe it's just weird luck. No matter what, I hope it's a sign of good things to come!

So things just keep getting better and better. I can now add Anticardiolipin Antibodies (ACAs) to my list of fun IF things. My level came back at 19, which isn't super high but high enough to get placed on steroids. Can't wait for that! But IVF#2 moves forwards, ¦this time with a lot more drugs and a lot less hope. Here's my schedule:

9/26: Start lupron

10/7 Start stims

~10/20: ER

~10/23: ET

Thanks to Meg, I’ve gotten my first tagging. I’m supposed to write things about 4 words: spackle, spruce, splinter, and spandex. Here we go:

Spackle: My mom did a really bad job spackling the corner of our guest bathroom. We bought the house a year ago and every time I sit on the toilet, I stare at it, wondering when I’m going to get around to fixing it.

Spruce: Hmm, this is a tough one. I’ll not go with the tree variety and instead say I am really OCD in that I like to “spruce� up my surroundings. Kind of a stretch there but I clean my house every Friday like clock work. I get freaked out when things are organized. I even keep my IVF meds in a spruced-up little box, all organized by type.

Splinter: In high school, somehow every year I ended up with a splinter underneath my nail. Like freshman year, I reached under an old desk and got a splinter. And each time I’d have to go to the doctor and get a tetanus shot and get it removed. And each time I passed out. Oh how far I’ve come. Give me a shot or give me a splinter and I can take it.

Spandex: I am glad my jeans have stretch to them now. Little bit o’ spandex is helping me avoid buying new jeans. And my spandex gym pants still fit too. Ahhh, the magic of stretch!

OK so I’m gonna tag the 2 Nickie/Nikki’s. Nickie needs our hugs after IVF#1 was cancelled and Nikki could use some finger crossing as she’s in the 2ww after IVF#1. Maybe some mindless words will help make time go faster for both of you. Here are your 4 words:
Consult, motivate, thirst, and scholars.
Enjoy!

Back to the beginning. I'm staring down the face of IVF#2 and I'm nervous about what I see. I've enjoyed my break and am ready to get started again but I'm also trying to brace myself for IVF taking over my life again. No other way around it. Anything that sticks you with needles every day and makes you come in for doctor's appts every morning takes over you life. Not much going on this week. It's next week where the fun starts!

I’m back from a fantastic vacation. It was such a much-needed break. The picture here is from a hike DH and I did to a top of a mountain in Bend, OR. What a view! And get this, my body O’d without any fake-outs. Just up and O’d. And on cd26 which is none to shabby. Maybe the sitting on my butt and stuffing my face approach is actually working? But, with an O, it means I don’t have to wait on provera to work to get AF. Which means IVF#2 is just around the corner!

Had a somewhat eventful week--well, as eventful as a break cycle can get. Met with the doc for our IVF#1 follow-up appointment. He was shocked to see us, saying with the embryos we transferred, we should have been pregnant. But alas, I'm not and we have to see him in another 2 weeks where we'll get the results of our immune and DNA testing (yay for being super aggressive Dr!) and I'll do another saline u/s (my doc must sure like shooting salt water up women's hoohas b/c he makes you get one after every failed IVF!). And I have a feeling this is gonna be a looonnngg cycle....again. Sigh. No podcast next week as I will be having fun in the Pacific Northwest for a much needed vacation! Listen in today as I give you my "monkey paw" theory of infertility.

I’m back from a 2 week podcasting break. My parents were in town last week so I wasn’t able to do any updating. But, there’s really not much to update you all on. Well, except for my blubbering incident at my acupuncturist's office last week. Oh, and I’ve gained 3.5 pounds since ER. Yay! Hoping at least to gain another 3.5 pounds before I start IVF again. I’ll get more details on when that will be when I meet with the doc next week. Until then, I'm trying to find other ways to remain stress free other than exercise.

Oh, I wish I had good news to report. Everything kind of went to hell this week. The embryos outside my womb died. The embryos inside my womb died. A filling in my tooth expanded and I need it replaced because my tooth is cracked. And spot came, followed by evil AF-like red spotting. A BFN on a HPT wrapped it all up today. I luckily got my beta moved up because my clinic feels sorry for me having to continue to jab needles in my butt while I have my period. But, we learned some things that hopefully we can take to the next cycle:
1. I have to be on a higher dose of stims. The drop in E2 was no good and spelled disaster from the get go.
2. We need to ICSI the heck out of the eggs. The ICSI'd eggs did a lot better than the non-ICSI ones.
3. Perhaps I need more progesterone help? Some suppositories maybe?

I'll keep my chin up and keep plowing forward. Tomorrow, I'll celebrate one of the few advantages to not being pregnant: having drinks by the pool!

I am participating in a stress and IVF study. I told the coordinator, who is super nice, that I'd pass along her study info to other IVF-ers. So if any of you are interested in participating and are about to start a cycle of IVF, here's the info:

COPING with IVF - Participants needed for Study

Ms. Jennifer Cina, a clinical psychology doctoral student at Adelphi University, is writing a dissertation on coping with In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). As someone who struggled with infertility, Ms. Cina is aware of the complexity of this experience and it is her hope to promote the understanding of women’s experience of infertility and IVF and to help illuminate the process involved. 

Ms. Cina is recruiting participants for a study on coping with IVF. Women who are about to undergo an IVF cycle can qualify to participate in this study that follows stress and coping throughout a given cycle. If you are interested, you will be asked to answer online questionnaires at three points of your treatment – before your cycle begins, one week into stimulation and one week after your embryo transfer.

Your time commitment will total approximately one hour for all three surveys, and you can participate at the convenience of your own schedule via online access. Confidentiality is guaranteed.

To learn more about this study please email the following address IVFstudy@verizon.net.

So do you want the good news or the bad news first? Let's do the bad news. None of my 6 remaining embies made it to freeze. Bummer but not a surprise. They all seemed kind of funky to me. Like one was a 7 cell. How do you get an odd numbered celled embryo? There was only one 8 cell in the bunch that I was hoping would make it but I wouldn't have done a FET with just one embryo anyway.
Good news is my progesterone came back today (which is 10 days past retrieval for those of you keeping score) at a nice 48.7. They like to see it above 40 so in true Gabby fashion, I'm right on the border of not so good but for now, I'm good enough. So at least the cramps I've been having isn't AF showing up way early (at least I hope not).
Still planning on holding out on testing until Sat (15dpo). Still haven't caved yet. :)

So I had ET and now I wait. I've felt pretty calm for the most part but it's only the equivalent of 7dpo. I think tomorrow is where things may get crazy. Still no word on whether we have any frozen yet. Frustrating because the decisions should have been made yesterday. I think I'll be asking next week when I go in for my progesterone check. Thanks to everyone for their comments. I have really appreciated them!

I just wanted to post an update here. I am on modified bed rest. I have a laptop and am trying to get work done but really. I haven’t gotten any work done this whole IVF cycle, why start now?

Transfer went fantastically! I did acu before which was very relaxing. But more importantly, my acupuncturist knew how transfers go at my clinic and told me not to slam my water for the full bladder 30 min before b/c they’re always running late. They were. So when we finally got back there, DH and I got to sneak a peak at our embies. Holy cow, they were pretty. My clinic generally transfers 3 and so I wasn’t surprised when that’s what they recommended we do. We transferred 2 8 celled grade A embies and one 8 cell B embie. And beta isn’t for another 13 days. It’s gonna be a loooonnnngggg 2 weeks! I’m so grateful to even be here though. I never thought we’d make it to ET with such pretty embies on the first try!

Do any of you use those meditation CDs for IVF or medicated cycles? I am using them and used them for my injectable cycles as well. But seriously, I can never get quite relaxed. Any time someone is talking about what is happening in my body during my cycle, I freak out. Here's an example of what is going through my mind as I'm trying to relax.

It was so touch and go this week. Knowing my ovaries the way that I do, I knew I needed to be prepared for the worst. And I thought we were headed in that direction. Did my cycle get canceled? Did I make it to egg retrieval? Do my ovaries even produce eggs? Find out in this week's No Pea in the Podcast!

Stimming for IVF#1 is in full force. So far, I've been slow to stim. E2 was 106 after 3 days, 186 after 4 days, and 300 after 5 days. Stims dose has done from 150 to 425! But follies seems to be growing, just slowly. Hopefully next week, I'll be reporting on egg retrieval! Listen in to this week's podcast as I talk about the 2 things I don't like about my clinic.

The front page of the newspaper had a wonderful story this morning. A couple did IVF seven times (and before that did ten IUIs) before moving here. A friend suggested they try my clinic. They saw my doc and he recommended PGD and a surrogate. But he also suggested that they transfer some embryos to the woman who was trying to get pg. Last month, the surrogate gave birth to a boy as did the woman who had done 7 IVFs before coming to my clinic. I loved reading this story--the missing piece to this woman's struggles with IF was my clinic and my doc!  Meanwhile, my shots are going well. I go in tomorrow for bloodwork (so boring--wish I was getting an u/s too). My guess is they'll up my dose. We shall see.

Oh please get me off this lupron. Hopefully my dose will be cut today. I am awaiting my E2 results to see if I can start stimming. Meanwhile, listen in on my tales of the clubbing nurse and about my own adventures in clubbing.

The needles come out. It was touch and go for a bit but find out if a cyst gets in the way between a girl and her lupron. Listen to my experience on lupron. I can't wait until I'm doing 4 shots a night instead of just one!

Haha, I triumphed over AF. I delayed her enough to plan IVF around my beach trip. I feel like ovulatory dysfunction has made this whole IVF drag out way longer than it needs to be. But it is finally here. IVF is here!!!

Just wanted to post an update. I'm all set for IVF. Yay! It worked! I got the call today. I've been on BCP for the past few days (yuck) and I go in on Tuesday for baseline u/s and then will start lupron. IVF, here I come!

Some say you can't fight nature. Well, I say they're wrong...sort of. Still on progesterone and still hoping to delay things long enough to start IVF after my vacation. I hear once you start IVF, things move fast. No one told me that the wait for IVF feels like you're trudging through molasses.

I'm forever in limbo. Or maybe this is purgatory? Whatever it is, it’s annoying. I continue to take my progesterone suppositories in a last ditch effort to delay AF as long as I can. But it’s not all boring. I made it onto iTunes!

Oh no you didn't! Oh yes, I did. I O'd. Now my body wants to play games? I'll talk about what O'ing now means for this month's IVF plus I'll discuss my thoughts on infertility drug names. Will the clinic let me go ahead with IVF this month despite being out of town for a week?

It's finally here--The IVF class. So many details, so much information, so many needles. Poor husband was shocked at how many drugs they're going to be putting inside me. And the weird thing is, I can't wait!

Told you I was bored. I'm trying to learn more about using music in podcasts (check out music.podshow.com). Only listen to this episode if you have a sense of humor about going through infertility and you're bored too!

Still counting down to my IVF class. Still on a break. Still bored! But we did get good results from the urologist this week. That's exciting, right?

Things are getting exciting. I had my RE appointment this week. We were given the choice: To Lap or Not to Lap? Clomid or IVF? Find out what we chose!

I started a new cycle and yet I'm still on a break! But hey, I have an appointment coming up soon. Catch up with me now so you won't feel left behind next week!

Yes, I know, I'm still on a break. But it's not all boring. Listen in on my stories of Provera, more SA's, and my endometriosis theories.

Breaks, breaks, and more boring breaks. Get an update on my new RE appointment. Keep me company as I twiddle my thumbs during this looooonnnggg break cycle.

Boy, break cycles sure are boring. The countdown continues to my new RE appointment!

AF arrived (no big shock). This week, hear some exciting travel tips for those of you with OHSS, get the husband SA update, and listen to the benefits of a break cycle.

Can I just have one shot at it? Join me this week as I bitch and moan about the lack of an IUI, early triggers, and wicked side effects.

On to another round of injections. But this time, with more bumps in the road, including another bad SA.

Well, last cycle was a bust. And I don't mean a BFN bust, I mean a cancelled cycle bust. I understimmed and so was told to trigger anyway so I could "clear out my ovaries."

The needles have come out. Listen in as I start my injections cycle. I even have an audio clip of my first injection.

Yay, I ovulated! Now it is the 2ww to start injectables!

Waiting patiently to ovulate so I can move on to injectables.

Welcome to the first podcast by Gabby. During this podcast, I'll introduce you to my trials and tribulations with trying to conceive.